Vampires from a Spherical World
by Dead L E
Summary: An author decides that her favourite Discworld vampire needs to see what some other types of vampire are like, so she sets off to write a story. Which is... uh... this one. What exactly does she have in mind for this character? And what will the vampires from the DSS world think of him?
1. Teleportation

**Teleportation**

"Three, two, vun..." CLICK

Otto had barely just pushed the hammer on the salamander's head, when he was transported into a dark room. He tried not to look surprised, Überwald was often surprising and although he had never seen this happen before, he knew that it was best to stay calm. Being a vampire, he could see very well, and the darkness didn't bother him. The room was empty, there was nothing on the floor and nothing on the walls and certainly no furniture. The walls seemed smooth and were either cream coloured or white, (his eyesight wasn't _that _good). The room had no apparent purpose, other than just being a mysterious room. It didn't even have a door. The only other thing in the room was not a thing, it was a young girl.

She didn't look scared, in fact, she looked quite in control... A bit too much in control. She had a big grin on her face, and she was wearing jeans and a flowery summer-top, but Otto had never seen jeans before, the Discworld didn't have jeans.

"I bet you're wondering why I brought you here!" she said cheerfully, but it sounded as if she had attempted to be scary.

"Um... Actually I vas vondering _who_ had brought me here, but thank you for clearing zat up," answered Otto with a shrug. The girl didn't look dangerous, barely fourteen, maybe less. She looked a bit disappointed in his lack of interest.

"Don't you want to know why?" she asked.

Otto looked around, it was curious that the room didn't have a door, and that girl had a certain... aspect that did not seem quite right. "I suppose you von't let me out if I don't ask," he muttered.

The girl beamed, "Good! I'll tell you then! Ahem... You," she began, "are a character from a book, which is currently being projected into my mind. You come from the Discworld, but that, you already know. Where you are right now, is a temporary room built only for the purpose of this conversation. I am a writer. I am, in fact, at computer writing this down as we speak. In the literal sense, we aren't speaking, since I am only imagining it, but you don't need to know the details. I am a rather big fan of the Discworld, especially of certain characters... like you," she winked and carried on, "But I am also a fan of another book, named the Darren Shan Saga. It's a book about vampires, but the vampires are slightly different to you, their needs and weaknesses are very different. The biggest difference of all is probably the world they live in. You see... I'd love to do a little... world exchange. I want you to enter this ...entirely different world and meet some of the 'vampires' that live there."

Otto stared, as he hadn't understood most of this, except maybe the bit about meeting some other vampires who were allegedly_ different_. "Veil... zis is certainly unexpected. I shall zink about it," he said after a moment's thought.

The girl grinned again, it was strange. She looked as though she was trying to look evil, but instead had the sort of grin people have when they're really happy. "Did I say want?" she asked in the tones of someone who is forcing themselves to sound evil, "I meant that you _will_ enter this entirely different world, and you _will_ meet these vampires. It isn't a choice."

"In vich case, I vould like some explanations about zis place I am goink to, please," demanded Otto, "Is zere anythink I haf to know before goink?"

"Well..." the girl paused and said the next part with great enthusiasm, "My name is Sarah!" That seemed like the weirdest and most nonsensical answer she could have come up with, but Otto decided that since she had put him in the room in the first place, he ought to be nice to her.

"...Um... Hello, Sarah? I do not think you haf heard my qvestion, is zere anythink I need to-"

"Urgh, fine, fine, I heard you. This world is very different to yours. It is, most importantly, a globe..." Sarah went on to describe the complex parts of gravity and space, which you readers probably know. She was only interrupted occasionally by Otto, who was pretty good at maths and had noted that most of her explanations made sense. When she had finished her long and fairly interesting, in Otto's opinion, speech, she grinned (for the third time) and said, "So there you have it! Now, I won't explain much about the vampires you are about to meet, other than the fact that they make their home in Vampire Mountain. Their leaders usually stay there and it is where they host events. The rest, you can find out."

Otto was about to ask another question, but he was suddenly somewhere else. This 'somewhere else' was just in front entrance of a tunnel. He could see the girl more clearly as she was standing in the light. Her hair was blonde and just an inch longer than shoulder length, she had materialised some kind of jacket on to protect her from the cold. It was black with purple fur on the inside. She made a sign for him to follow, and he did.

The tunnels would have been long, winding and dark if it hadn't been for the light from the luminous lichen growing on the walls. Instead they were just long and winding and fairly shadowy. Sarah, who had been so talkative before, was now walking in complete silence. As they went further, Otto heard the sound of men laughing as if they were drinking and wondered what time it was on this planet.

"It's early morning," muttered Sarah, as if she'd read his mind. _Oh, yes. She is _writing_ my mind_, thought Otto, _my word, how annoying._

After what felt like hours of twisting and turning through the mountain, they arrived at some gates. There were two guards standing there. They carried spears and had long scars down their pale skin, but despite their tough appearance, they seemed quite afraid of the girl.

"Oh, by the black blood of Harnon Oan..." mumbled the first one, "She's back..."

The other one said nothing, but seemed equally distressed, s_he always thinks we're more interesting when bad things happen to us, _he thought.

Sarah smiled, "This here," she exclaimed, patting Otto on the back, "Is my friend Otto! Treat him well, will you boys?"

The two guards nodded glumly, they both hated the way she called them boys, the first guard asked, rather nervously, "Uh... Full name?"

"Otto von Chriek," answered Otto von Chriek. The guard went off and wrote the name on a big stone in the room and Sarah left.

"VANCHAAA!" yelled the guard, "THE GUEST'S ARRIVED!"

A man flitted into the tunnel, he was wearing a purple pelt over a muscular body. His hair was green and he had some stubble on his chin. With Sarah gone, Otto felt a little lost, he wondered if the man had been expecting him, and if he was one of the vampires.

"Hey, I'm Vancha!" said Vancha, interrupting his thoughts, "You must be Otto uh... we've kinda been expecting you. Well... Sarah said something about a vampire coming over and all that, but it wasn't very precise."

Otto breathed in and almost choked, this man hadn't had a bath in years! At least the Morporkians knew enough to wash every year.

"Hello, um... Vould you mind tellink me if you are vun off the vampires Sarah vas talkink about?" he ventured, feeling quite confused.

The man laughed, "Sorry, I haven't introduced myself properly, I am indeed a vampire," he paused, "Come in!" he gestured towards the Hall. "I am, in fact, one of the vampire princes. I'm about three hundred years old, but I don't think that matters. Sarah tells me you're immortal!" he winked and led him into a big room with very few people inside.

Vancha walked up to a younger looking vampire with orange hair and red clothes. He tapped him on the back. When he turned around, Otto noticed a long scar running down his face.

_'Hello' says a young girl to the reader, 'I'm the author. My penname is Dead L E, but in this story I am Sarah. Maybe some explanation is in order... This story is not set in a specific time. It is a dream world from the author's imagination, where the entire plot happened of the DSS books... without anyone dying. So don't be confused, if anything, the characters are having a worse time than you. The ability to remember your death is not pleasant.' The voice stops and walks away, leaving you to read the rest of the text._

"Hello Vancha," he said, "Is this Otto? I am Larten Crepsley, pleased to meet you," he extended his hand to shake Otto's, Otto shook it wordlessy and Larten nudged the young man next to him. He looked about eighteen.

"What?" exclaimed the boy, "Oh, right... hey Otto! I'm Darren, the... uh... Well Sarah says I'm the main protagonist. Whatever that means... I'm a prince of the mountain, so I'd be glad to help you with whatever you need."

"Hello, how do you do, sire?" asked Otto politely, still completely confused though he was slightly curious to know why they had chosen such a young looking boy as their prince.

"Um... I'm fine. Are you okay? You look tired," Darren winked at him, "A meeting with Sarah can do that to most people."

Otto nodded, "I am feelink razzer tired now zat you mention it, zis is all... razzer confusink."

"I'll see if I can find Seba to show you to your room!" Darren wondered off and came back a few minutes later with an old man. The old man introduced himself as being Seba, he too wore red clothes like Larten. He offered to take Otto to his room, where he would find a coffin was already arranged for him. Otto nodded silently, and followed the old man out of the all and into the tunnels.

When Otto had left, Vancha sighed.

"Charna's guts, Larten, she wasn't kidding! He acts so... Typical!" he exclaimed.

Larten nodded, "I do think the accent is a bit much, and those clothes..." he looked down at his entirely red apparel, "...Well, they are a bit too gothic." Darren chuckled at the hypocrisy in the statement, but agreed.

"A _bit gothic_? You'd think he'd walk straight off the film set of Dracula!" he exclaimed.

Vancha shook his head, "Sarah says we've got to give him a tour of the mountain tomorrow morning, and maybe explain a few things to him..."

Larten shrugged, "Kurda can do that. Ash gave him all those maps back, remember?" He frowned at the thought of the traitor.

"No," said Darren, "Sarah specified us. She said Kurda could come along if he wanted, but she really wants us to know Otto better. She says that we could learn from each other."

"He seems like a bit of a wimp, in my _honest_ opinion," grunted Vancha, "Stupid accent, stupid clothes and stupid fangs. He looks like wannabe vampire, not the real deal. _I'm_ the real deal!"

Larten laughed, "The 'real deal' may need to have a shower."

"Guys! We're discussing Otto, our guest, not each other's hygiene!" interrupted Darren.

"'S'rude to talk about people behind their backsh," said Vancha, munching on a piece of stale bread on the table.

Darren sighed, "Fine. Just um... What did Sarah say we had to remember all ready?"

"Say b-word instead of blood." said Vancha, rolling his eyes.

"By the black b-word of..." Darren couldn't finish the sentence, he was laughing madly and holding his sides.

Vancha raised a critical eye at Larten, "I thought I'd told you to keep him _away_ from the ale?"

Larten shuffled his feet nervously, "His body is mature enough..."

"Well he blo-"

"B-wordy! B-wordy!" shouted Darren, between fits of giggles.

"-b-wordy isn't mature enough," Vancha finished, "Right, Darren! Time for bed."

"I hope everyone reviews!" said no one in particular. Everyone stared at no one in particular, then no one just walked away.


	2. Blood

**Blood**

Listening to Seba's footsteps patter away, Otto looked around his room. There was a coffin, a pile of clothes in one corner with a camera and some salamanders in a cage carefully propped on top. They had quite obviously been left by the girl, Sarah. The room was cool, he loved it, at least these 'vampires' knew enough to make their rooms cold and cellar like. He paused, mid-thought, and sniffed, there was a stench of b... bl... b-word, along with a less powerful odour of food, ale and sweat. Otto gripped the twist of black ribbon concealed in his jacket and hummed rather frantically. He decided that a lie down was in order, and got changed into his night clothes. [1]

He opened the coffin and lay down inside. His thoughts immediately started chattering in his head. He tried to organise them and listen to each one in turn. These so called vampires had nothing of the vampires he knew back home. They looked like pale, scarred and muscly humans who knew very little about hygiene. This was very different to the elegant vampires they had back home in Überwald. The only thing they had in common with him was their pale skin, Otto didn't even drink the b-word.

And then, there was their confusing politics. They had several princes, that was understandable... but where was their king? Maybe he'd meet him tomorrow. Vancha and Darren didn't look like brothers, they didn't even have similar accents. Larten was probably the closest to a proper vampire, since he did have the cape and he spoke quite elegantly, but the scars on his body ruined the effect. There was something else that was weird... They had beating hearts, all of them. It wasn't tempting though, weirdly, they seemed to have poisonous blood. But their hearts were beating, nonetheless.

So these vampires... They were not undead. Yet they slept in coffins, strange, but then again, they were very pale. Except Vancha, he had very red skin, but the rest were pale, so maybe the sun did harm them. Otto shrugged mentally, he was going to have to get used to this, Sarah hadn't said when he was coming back.

...Or that he was coming back at all for that matter.

But he knew that dwelling on such negative thoughts rarely paid off, so he shrugged once more and fell asleep.

It was the kind of sleep that only undead people have. It was really deep with absolutely uh... well... It's kinda like being dead, basically. Only you wake up. But obviously waking up isn't part of the sleeping and zombies wake up from being dead but that doesn't make it sleep so... He slept really deeply. But not like a log because he wasn't made of wood.

Phew, that was complicated.

And then, he - WHAT? WHAT ABOUT ALL THAT EFFORT I PUT INTO THE DESCRIPTION? ...AAAAAAAH! - woke up. He got out and a yawned, he got dressed and did all the morning-y things people tend to do when they wake up. Except brush his teeth (or fangs). He got dressed into a some of the clothes that were lying in a pile and fed the salamanders. He picked up the camera to take with him, along with the cage. He walked out of his room and down the tunnel towards the hall._  
_

Vancha was already there, standing on his own with a meaty bone in his hand. He waved as Otto approached the table.

"Hungry?" he asked, gesturing at the table. It was covered in in plates of cooked and raw meat, with some bowls of broth with strange leathery things sticking out. There were jugs of water and b... bl... b-word.

"Um... Yes, but vat is zis broth, zere?" Otto pointed to a bowl.

"Bat broth," Vancha dipped some stale bread in his and drank straight from a jug of... b-word. Otto sat down awkwardly and bit into some of the bread. It was disgusting, and he wasn't used to eating so many solids, but there was no way he was touching the b-word or the bat broth. The very thought made him shudder, _that_ would be cannibalism. Vampires that ate bats... How could they be called vampires?

The b-word sat there, very invitingly on the table. He wouldn't even be hurting anyone if he sipped it... No, he couldn't think like that. He hummed a tune, thinking of hot cocoa and his fellow black ribboners.

"Your eyes are glowing red," remarked Vancha in a conversational voice. Otto glared, it wasn't fair. This man was calmly drinking the b-word and openly mocking him for having morals. "Want some?" he laughed, "Oh sorry... I forgot, you don't drink the b-word!"

"I don't vant zat b-vord, I'm not a stupid sucker anymore... Unlike you," retorted Otto. Vancha laughed again.

"Why, though? I mean, you are a vampire, right? I understand no draining," he shuddered at some bad memories, "But no blo- b-word, sorry, that's ridiculous! How do you survive?"

"I... You don't drain? Zat... Veil... Isn't it a bit of a vaste? I mean... Zer... Ze... You just... Not zat I do zat sort of stuff anymore, but, you'd think zat you'd find it difficult to stop yourself and... veil... it's rather difficult to do so many people in a month... But I don't do zat sort of stuff anymore!" Otto stammered.

"...Oh Charna's guts! Your kind drain everyone? I... Well, I knew that was vampiric legend, but... Yeah, I think I understand why you stopped. Here, I suppose we don't need so much, how do you stand it though?" Vancha stopped smirking. Otto's eyes went a bit normal, distracted by the question.

"Zere are... vays, zis is vun of them." He picked up his camera. At this moment, Darren arrived with Larten.

"Ahah! Perfect timink!" he grinned widely, "I shall give you a demonstration off my camera!"

Darren laughed, "I know what a camera is!"

"Well I don't, shut up!" replied Vancha.

Otto bossed them about, getting them in the right position, making them smile and so on, until they were all looking very awkward. Then his picked up the salamander cage and his camera, then hit a huge mallet on top of a salamander. The light flashed and Otto shrieked in pain before crumbling to dust as a picture fell to the ground.

Darren walked forward to have a look at it, "...uh... We're in the picture, there isn't a blur or anything..."

Larten gasped, Vancha couldn't understand but Larten had seen cameras before and he knew that they couldn't take pictures of vampires. Something about fast moving particles...

"What are we going to do about the dust?" Vancha pointed at the pile.

Larten picked up a card that was propped neatly on top of the pile. It read:

THE OWNER OF THIS CARD HAS SUFFERED A MINOR INCIDENT, PLEASE PUT ONE DROP OF BLOOD FROM ANY CREATURE ON THE PILE. YOU MAY NEED A DUSTPAN AND BRUSH. THANK YOU.

But of course, Larten had no idea because he couldn't read. Darren could though, and he read it aloud to Vancha and Larten to clarify what was happening.

Vancha grinned and walked over to one of the jugs of blood and poured it over the dust before Darren could protest.

Otto immediately rematerialised and sniffed, "Zat..." he said slowly, "Vas a very stupid think to do...". Vancha shrugged. Otto yelled suddenly, "Get me an apple! I NEED SOMETHINK TO BITE INTO!"

Darren turned, grabbed a piece of row meat and threw it at Otto, who bit into it. Vancha laughed, he saw no danger in this weird vampire, there were barely any humans in the mountain and anyway, there was loads of blood for Otto. He could have as much as he wanted.

Otto shuddered and mutterend, "I think it iss best if ve go somevere else now." He felt horrible, every piece of him was screaming at him to just empty every blood jug in the room. This was why he rarely went back to visit his friends in Überwald, most of them thought he was stupid anyway. They just didn't care about his pledge, but he had his morals now. Fighting his nature wasn't easy, but he managed so long as idiots like Vancha kept him away from blood. Nowadays he managed to control himself, he'd even seen a person's head crack open and he's remained calm, but something about this place just made him feel safer. That wasn't good. He felt like he could drink all the... b-word in the room and never harm anyone. But of course, the blood had to come from somewhere.

[1] Do vampires have night clothes? Or do they just sleep in evening-wear? Nope. Apparently they have pyjamas just like everyvun else.


End file.
